Oops

So my laptop has been d down and it never occurred to me to try posting on any of my other devices. Everything is still pretty much the same, still in daily pain and just surviving. Still going strong with my Sam.

 I DO have surgery in 14 days though(12/10/15). The surgeon is going in and looking for new endo growth, and adhesions from previous surgeries or as a result of endo. He will also be taking a look inside my uterus, taking a biopsy of the uterine lining, a look in my bladder and possible biopsies, as well as exploring my entire abdominal cavity.  If he finds anything wrong if at all possible he'll fix it right then. If he can't fix it immediately then we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. I'm very excited for surgery but also terrified that there won't be a answer for my pain.

Comment what you want me to write about :)

Well that's all for now, bye
Kate

My Service Dog

I bought Milo October 7th, 2013. He was about 12wks old. My dad had been talking about getting a hunting dog and one night I started looking. I found Milo with a family locally. My dad said he wasn't talking about getting the hunting dog just yet and said no. Because of my relationship with my dad I knew my dad would relent and I'd get my puppy. Well I was right and about a week after I found him online we went and picked him up.

The night I brought Milo home

He was so tiny!

When he was little

 For the first week I slept downstairs with Milo so that we had easy access to the backyard. The first few nights he woke me up every hour to go potty but once he realized that I would listen and let him out when needed he would sleep longer stretches until with in a week he slept through the night. Once he slept through the night we moved into my room. Like I said Milo was supposed to be a hunting dog, specifically a bird dog. I didn't get the chance to do much training with him before my health tanked. We had done some games of fetch with the wings, took him out shooting and were working on the basics like sit. By December my pain set in for good. When I had my first endo surgery in February 2014 I noticed that Milo was waking me up every 4hrs to take more pain meds. If I woke up and just rolled over he'd wake me up again and again until he heard me get into my meds. Once i realized that he was doing that I started paying more attention to how he was acting and quickly realized that he was alerting to many other things as well and had been for quite some time. At this point he was about 6 months old. He would wake me up to take meds during the night, wake me up from nightmares that I had frequently at the time. He would alert to when my blood sugar would drop, right before my pain would spike, when I was going to over do it and needed to sit/lay down. When he was around a year old I took him to girls camp with me as my health was still bad.

Him working at girls camp

Leaving for girl's camp

 As my health has continued to deteriorate he has picked up new alerts.  I'm finally learning to just listen to him as he's almost never wrong.

As of now he alerts to my blood sugar, my emotions(anxiety/upset), my heart rate and blood pressure. He warns me of my seizures and when my pain will spike. When my pain meds have worn off or when I need to take some cuz bad pain is coming. When I need to take a break and go lay down. If I am ignoring him he will go and start bugging Sam or my parents. He also has some tasks that he's trained to do and others that I hope to train him for in the near future. When we're in public he gets more leash than most service dogs because he creates a buffer zone so that no one bumps into me. He does crowd control and prevents people from getting too close. He will also help me up stairs and sometimes I  have to use him to help me stand up after sitting for a long time. Sometimes if I drop something he'll pick it up for me (something we'll be working on as it hurts me to bend over). I want to train him to retrieve my different meds. And a few other things that will help when we're in public like being able to direct him where I want him to lay down.

A few of his other tricks/tasks that he does that isn't related to my health are: We can tell him to go find a person and he will track them and either bring them to you or take you to them. This has been especially helpful when camping and my mom want the two youngest back to camp. Milo will go find them and herd them back to camp. Max has severe ADHD and gets distracted very easily, Milo will keep circling back around and make sure Max is following him. There's been a few time where we didn't know which friends Emma went to and Milo led us to her. Milo and Toby also will track and locate rabbits when they get out. When I took Emma to kindergarten on the ATV Milo would run next to us, walk Em to her classroom then come back to me and be ready to go home. Milo also picks up on other family members feelings, he always knows when one of the kids is upset.

Running alongside the ATV

A little bit more about Milo. He is a garbage disposal. He loves apples, carrots, peaches, tomatoes, cucumbers, apricots, watermelon and many more fruits and veggies. He LOVES my siblings. He will wake me up so that he can see them before they leave for school. He always acts like no body ever loves on him. He loves the water as long as he can touch the bottom and it's not coming at him, i.e. a hose. He is one of the most loving dogs I've ever met. He meets everyone on their level. We had a little girl that was scared of dogs come up to Milo to conquer her fear and at first while she was working up the courage to come over Milo tried to greet her just like he would anyone else, once he realized she was afraid of him he just laid down and waited for her to come to him. Once she did come over he just rolled on his back so that she could scratch his belly. He will lay down and offer his belly to special needs kids to. I have a very special relationship with Milo. He is my best friend.

Here are some resources to learn more about service dogs and some of the things they do as well as some of the rules/laws regarding service dogs. 9 things you didn't know about service dogs). And this gives you a better idea of my life and how my energy is spent (spoon theory).

My Sam

We met at the beginning of sophomore year in English class. I was smart and he tried to copy my answers. I was having none of it and called him out on it. For some reason all the guys in English ganged up on me and were all hitting on me. Sam and I became friends, became best friends pretty fast. You could say he won me. I liked him but no one had really like me before, they all just wanted something from me. I just dismissed the fantasy that we could ever be together. We always sat by ourselves during lunch and would just talk. We opened up to each other and were just there for each other. Well on January 22, 2013, I was having a panic attack during lunch and Sam grabbed me and hugged me, he kissed my cheek and with tears streaming down my face and said "no one has ever done that." . He said something but I didn't hear him so I turned to face him to ask him to repeat it and he just kissed me. Then he whispered "Kate, I think I'm falling in love with you". All the sudden we both knew that we both felt the same way about each other. As they say the rest was history. We've been inseparable ever since. He's gone through hell with me. In the two and a half years we've been together I've had 3 surgeries, countless tests and a lot of emotional stuff happen. I've even tarted having seizures since we've been together. He has had so many chances to run and no one would blame him. But no, he's stayed by my side never wavering. I really can't imagine life without him.

Spring 2013

Fall 2013

Sam just holding me when I hurt

Spring 2014

April 2015

After Sam had his wisdom teeth out Summer 2015

 

2yr anniversary January 22, 2015

Well here's an update...

So since my pain hasn't gotten better, in fact I think it's gotten worse Dr. Arrington(endo specialist who did my last surgery) wanted me tested for pelvic floor dysfunction and interstitial cystitis(aka IC). Well yesterday I saw my gynecologist to be accessed for pfd and after the exam I got the good news that my pelvic floor is fine. BUT that means that IC is most likely the cause of the pain. Yet another condition with no cure. It's very common in women with endo. SO many of my symptoms fit.
It explains why things that are supposed to help muscle spasms help my pain a TON, the painful bowel movements, the pain in the nether regions, why my pain increases as my bladder fills up, why when I pee it feels like my insides are being crushed and so much more. I have an appointment with the urologist on September 16th. He'll most likely start with a urine analysis and culture. Then an ultrasound after I pee to see how much if any urine I'm retaining. After that probably a camera up my urethra(tube from bladder to outside of body) to look at the inside of my bladder and he'll probably take biopsies during the cystoscopy. I'm already doing almost all the things they tell you to try first and obviosly they aren't helping, at least not enough. I guess this is the start of another journey you'll take with me...

Emotional Throw Up

I don't even know if anyone actually reads these, and if they do do they even care? I've withdrawn a lot these past few months because I didn't want anyone to know that I've gotten worse. My pain has spiked and I'm having more bad days than good days again. People don't like hearing the same old story, the same excuses, the same lies that "I'm doing good.".  People don't realize that when you're sick your social life consists of my family, Sam and dr.'s appointments. I don't interact with anyone else. I only leave the house to go to the dr.'s and to the dairy with Sam( the joys of harvest season. Only way I get to spend time with him is to go milking with him.). People are too busy living their own lives that they can't take the time to sit and watch a movie with me. Their lives are so "go, go, go" that they don't even think to stop and think about how I'm doing.

How I spent the 4th of July

After my colonoscopy/endoscopy April 2015

Through all of this Sam has stayed by my side. He's gone to dr.'s appointments, he even took me for my colonoscopy/endoscopy because my parents couldn't. He never holds my health against me. To him I'm just me. I'm not the sick Kate or the healthy Kate. I'm just his Kate. I don't know where I'd be without him. He's brought me out of the pits of despair several times. When I feel like I can't go on living like this he's right there telling me I can. Giving me a reason to hang on. I know I wouldn't still be here without him. These last two and a half years have been the happiest of my life, the hardest but none the less the happiest. I can't even put into words how much Sam means to me. I always brag about him to everyone, not to rub it in their face but trying to show Sam what he is to me.

Anyways, I have a few dr.s appointments and most likely tests  coming up in the near future to diagnose additional conditions. I'll try and keep everyone updated but please understand if I don't want to talk. It's going to take time to process the test results and be able to get me functioning again.

Well, bye for now.

Most people are surprised to know...

Most are surprised to know that there really isn't much doctors can do for me at this point. ALL of the endometriosis was removed in early December. Yet I'm still in daily pain. How can they fix something that isn't there? We now suspect that there is some nerve damage/inflammation and that's what's causing all of the pain. I'm currently doing several things to help and repair my nerves but it's a very slow process.

I don't get pain meds. I am prescribed something called Tramadol(non narcotic. Kinda like super Tylenol) and sometimes its amazing and helps so much and other times I question if I even took anything. I use several meds to help the pain in the long run. But on my bad days I only have Tylenol, Tramadol, essential oils, heat/ice, and sheer will to make it through. The pain has made me nauseous on a regular basis. I've passed out before. The pain even messes with my heart rate/rhythm, blood pressure and breathing. Even if I go to the ER all they can really do is dope me up on morphine and sometimes that doesn't even take the pain away. I have been completely maxed out on morphine, to the point I couldn't keep my oxygen levels up, and still one of the only things to register was pain. People ask me how I do it and I honestly don't know. I've always been stubborn and never given up. And I'll continue to be stubborn. With my last breath I'll be fighting.

My endo journey

I started my period when I was 12 1/2. From the start I had crampy, heavy periods but they run in the family so I thought nothing of it. I would go through a pad every hour and a half to two hours. I often woke up in a pool of blood. The summer after I started I noticed my ribs would hurt around my cycle, I thought it was weird but what do I know about periods. In September 2010 I had pain on my whole right side, I ended up with my appendix removed. We thought that would solve all my problems. Nope, I only got worse. I always hurt, especially after I ate, so I pretty much quit eating. Because of the pain after eating we thought it was a GI problem(gastrointestinal). My GI Dr. did every test imaginable and everything was normal. It always got worse around my cycle. Because of the pain I ended up dropping out of 8th grade, luckily I was ahead so I was okay. Because of the pain and absences my anxiety got really bad. Freshman and Sophomore year I struggled with attendance and being able to get my credits but I did it. Junior year(2013) started just like all the others, struggling with attendance but getting good grades. Around the start of the school year my periods were horrid, so painful and heavy. At Christmas my pelvic area hurt but I was due for my period so I assumed it was that. Even after my period I was still in severe pelvic pain. Many dr.s appointments later I was told about the possibility of endometriosis. Five days after my 17th birthday(February 2014) I went in for surgery. When I woke up I was told that I was covered in endo spots, in addition I had a pool of blood in my belly. To keep the endo under control I was put on birth control after surgery. I was to keep taking them continuously, skipping the blanks. Recovery was going great until it came time that I should cycle(2wks after surgery) then I hurt just as bad as before. We tried changing my birth control, that didn't work so we switched again. About this time I withdrew from school, because I was pretty much bedridden.When birth control pills didn't work we decided the best option was to put me into medically induced menopause. I did the Lupron for 6 months(June-December 2014) as recommended but even that didn't help. I resumed my cycle 4 months in. My pain never got better. It only seemed to get worse. In December 2014 I had excision surgery with a specialist in Ogden. He found that my endo had worsened and spread despite treatment. He got rid of ALL the endo. Now 4 months later I'm still in daily pain. I just started seeing a pain specialist and they tweeked  my meds just a bit but I'm already seeing a difference. I'm getting 1-2 days a week where I can be me again for at least half the day. I'm hoping that with continued tweeking of meds that I can get my life back. Even if I just got half of it back I'd be ecstatic. Just thinking about being able to wear my old clothes again and to be active brings tears to my eyes.

UPDATE September 2015: My daily pain levels have sky rocketed. We're now exploring other options for what could be causing the pain. Hopefully I'll get some relief.

UPDATE January 2016: I had surgery in December. Here's the deal with that.

UPDATE February 2017: I had yet another breast tumor removed(endo related as the hormones the endo feeds and grows from also feed and grow the BENIGN yet painful tumors. This is not well known.) I've had a total of 3 removed since 2012.

UPDATE April 2017: I had a 4cm cyst on my right ovary that needed surgery. It was removed and no visible endometriosis was found( I say no visible because there could still be microscopic endo and that could be the reason for my continued pain or it could "simply" be nerve damage). I am now back on birth control pills and skipping the blanks to hopefully stop the formation of more cysts and therefore prevent scarring of my ovaries.

Career and Work

I'm in the process of starting a business geared towards endo and all that goes along with it.

Once my pain is under control I want to go to college to become a certified nurse midwife. I find pregnancy and the process of birth beautiful and magical.

Mom and Emma 4/24/09

My ultimate career goal is to be a stay at home mom. As you probably know that can be very difficult with endo. Not only is there the fertility side of things but then there's the pain and fatigue that comes with being an endo warrior. I guess we'll just see how things go.

Mothering started early

Would I rather have a visible or invisible illness?

With a visible illness it's obvious to those around you that you're sick. But you also get the stares, pointing and jokes. They can pretend it's not there, but it is. For everyone to see. There's no hiding it. Most people are polite and understanding but there is still the self consciousness of the individual and family.

With an invisible illness it's just that, invisible. There's nothing to validate your statement that you're sick. With an invisible illness you constantly get comments of "You don't look sick." "You're exaggerating" "It's just an excuse" "You're faking""The pains in your head" "If you just ate better..." "Maybe if you lost weight you'd feel better." "Have you tried?" "Oh, my friend had that and she's fine."

It's never ending. As if the pain wasn't bad enough, now everyone has an opinion and knows more about your illness than you. They take you trying to raise awareness or talking about your illness as attention seeking and all we want is support and understanding.

So I don't know. Either way has its pros and cons. I'd much rather just be healthy but since that isn't an option then I guess I'll just take what I get.

Alternative treaatments I've tried...

Lemongrass

I personally have used essential oils, herbs, vitamins and other supplements. Omega 3's seem to make a huge difference in my pain, I'm pretty sure they're an anti inflammatory. Castor oil packs have helped me to.

Frankincense

Marjoram

 I also try to eat clean(whole foods) and that really helps. Not having the extra hormones and chemicals that adds to my endo and my pain. To avoid the hormones in meat nowadays my family raises meat rabbits. We eat it at least once a week, some weeks 3 or 4 times.

All the meat from about 20 rabbits

Rabbit chunks

 You can actually see me in the background processing the last rabbit.

 Some people have tried acupuncture and seen results with that. Personally I don't think I can handle that. Massage is a common one to.

How many meds/vitamins do I take in a day...

I take 4 prescriptions every night, I should also be taking 3 other supplements. On a bad day I take 3-4 pain relievers every 4hrs. With the awful pain usually comes nausea so add an anti nausea pill to the total. Today was a pretty decent day and I've taken about 12 pills. This is all in an effort to control the endometriosis and pain associated with it. In an effort to give me my life back. I've gotten very good at discreetly taking meds, don't need a drink most of the time anymore. You'd be surprised how many pills I can take at once now.

meds I take regularly

No wonder we get labeled as drug seekers. None of my meds give me a high. We don't want drugs, we just want relief. More than relief we want a cure.

Hardest part about nights...

Is getting comfortable enough to sleep. When the pain is so bad that you can't sleep and even when you do sleep the pain invades your dreams. You dream of randomly collapsing, of being stabbed, of giving birth, anything that causes extreme abdominal pain. That was me last night and most nights, hence why this didn't get posted last night. Sleep is supposed to be an escape, a time to recharge. Not with endo. There is no escape, no recharging.

Gadget I can't live without...

Gadgets pertaining to my endo that I can't go with out are definitely my heating pad and tens machine. The heating pad helps to relax and dull the pain. The tens machine sends electrical pulses through the area of pain which prevents the pain signals getting to your brain. The electrical pulses intercept the pain signals. I almost always have one or both on. Because of this I have a heating pad burn. I've gotten used to maneuvering with my "leashes". I have wires and cords everywhere. It's just the norm now.

tens machine on my belly

Favorite medical TV show...

That would probably be House. I love to figure out a problem and learn about commonly misdiagnosed conditions. I love the medical world and plan to go into midwifery. Dr.s and nurses are always surprised at my knowledge and understanding of medicine and how the body works, all the different processes. It also comes with all the appointments, tests and hospital trips that us endo warriors have.

Hardest thing about mornings...

The hardest part of the morning is probably when I first wake up and I take "inventory" of how my body feels. Morning after morning one of the first things to register is pain. Then disappointment. Disappointment that the day will undoubtedly be tainted with pain. Disappointment that again I can't do the things I used to without causing great pain. Disappointment that I'll see the pain and anguish in my parents eyes as they watch me writhe in pain. The helplessness I see in Sam's eyes as he tries to comfort me. Disappointment that it will be another day of just surviving, not living. Disappointment that it will be another day in isolation.

Treatments I've tried...

I have tried more birth control pills than I can count. Some helped for awhile, some did nothing. After countless birth control pills we decided to put my body into medically induced temporary menopause, Lupron. Even this didn't help. While on the Lupron my endometriosis spread and worsened. The exact opposite of what was supposed to happen.

Hair loss, a side effect of Lupron and the anasthesia used during surgery.

After the Lupron we did excision surgery, got rid of ALL the endo in my body. BUT for whatever reason I'm still in daily pain. Currently we're treating my endo with the mini pill, an progesterone only birth control. I do use essential oils and other natural treatments to help with the pain and inflammation that goes along with endo. I also just started seeing a pain specialist to hopefully get some help getting the pain under control.

Most people assume...

They assume because I don't look sick that I'm not. On the outside I'm the picture of health, on the inside I'm a mess.

Most assume that because I've had surgery, had two in fact, that I shouldn't be in pain anymore. While in theory that's true that isn't the case. I'm still in daily pain. Some days are better than others. Some days I have a few hours where I'm functional again, but I pay for it later. Even if I only had one week a month where I could do what I wanted, cooking, cleaning, just living life the way it's meant to be lived, I would be ecstatic. When you fight for everyday you come to appreciate the smallest things. Being able to run to the store is a treat. Going on a date is a HUGE deal. These everyday things that everyone else takes for granted are SO hard for us.

6-7 on a daily basis

Our pain is so complex and unpredictable that we can be having a great day, like maybe a 2 and within an hour we're at an 8. With no reasonable explanation. Sometimes there's no discernible trigger.

Biggest adjustment...

That would probably be not being able to do all the things I took for granted. Cooking, cleaning, doing animal chores, playing with siblings, playing with my dog, even just showering with out ending up doubled over in pain. Even just wearing jeans and a belt kills me. People don't understand the pain. They think we exaggerate or use it as an excuse. We don't, at least I don't. I try to hide it as much as I can. But there's only so much you can hide when the pain is all consuming. When all that registers is pain. The pain is mind numbing.

BUT I've had symptoms since...

I had symptoms starting the summer before 8th grade. I noticed that my ribs would get really sore around my period. We thought it was a GI problem but all tests were perfect. On paper I was very healthy. I had cycles with this pain, it would come and go. Then in November 2013 I had the worst period I had ever had. It was just extremely painful. That period finished and life went back to normal until my next cycle. Around Christmas 2013, again a very painful period. But this time the pain didn't go away once my cycle ended. It still hasn't gone away. Anyways many Dr.s appointments and ER visits I went in for surgery and was diagnosed.

Add caption

 To take the above picture I had my boyfriend help me wrap the barbed wire around my belly. The barbed wire was actually more comfortable than my endo pain. With the barbed wire you can sit a certain way, not do such-and-such and avoid the pain. Endo is so much more complicated than that. It has a mind of its own. You can be good all day, not do anything that would set your pain off and then all the sudden you're smacked in the face with the pain. No warning. Now you just hope and pray that meds and your heating pad helps. The pain caused by endo is so complex and confusing its hard to explain to someone who has never experienced it.

I was diagnosed...

I was diagnosed through a laproscopy on February 19th, 2014. The surgeon makes a few small incisions in your abdomen, one of which usually in your bellybutton. Then the surgeon can stick his camera and tools through these small incisions which gives you an easier recovery as opposed to one big cut. To give the surgeon room to work and be able to see, your abdomen is inflated with gas. When they close you up some of the gas is trapped and will escape during the next few days. It usually escapes though your shoulder and its some of the worst pain I've ever experienced. Moving helps the gas escape quicker, even if you can only flap your arm like and injured bird :P

I was so excited to finally have a diagnoses even if it was something as life changing as endo. It meant the pain wasn't all in my head. I wasn't crazy. I had an answer as to why I hurt. When I was coming out of surgery I asked the nurse if they had found anything and when she said yes I burst into tears. It was such a relief.

 WARNING PICTURES OF ACTUAL SURGERY COMING...

Behind my uterus

big endometriosis implant behind right ovary

 So most of my endo is on the sack protecting the reproductive organs. You can see the discoloration, They almost look like sores. Even though they're small they can cause a LOT of pain. Just think how painful a small blister on your foot is. And every step you take is painful. Endometriosis is very similar in that respect.

uterus, tube and ovary

 For this surgery the surgeon burned the endo away.  That is not the most effective treatment or removal. Excision is. Excision takes ALL of the endometrial implant while burning only gets rid of the very top layer.

pool of blood in bottom of abdominal cavity

behind uterus again

Living with endo is...

Exhausting. The pain takes so much energy. Then there's the energy trying to get people to take the pain seriously, it's not in our head. It really is this intense. We aren't seeking attention. We aren't drug seekers. The energy we use convincing ourselves that we can make it through another day full of pain. The energy trying to hide the pain. All the unknown about when we're going to hurt. We can't plan anything really. And we feel SOOO guilty when we have to cancel because the pain is just too much. There's a term coined "painsomnia", meaning we can't sleep because we're in too much pain. This happens many nights and just adds to the exhaustion. Why do you think we have those dark circles under our eyes? They don't go away no matter how much sleep we get.

March is Endo Awareness Month

Brace yourself for a flood of endometriosis related things :)

Endo butterfly I drew

I will be doing a post about endo each day(from now on, kinda playing catch-up right now). Please share and help me raise awareness :) I'm happy to answer any questions:) I'm an open book.

Same crap, different day

So its been kinda crazy. My pain has been BAD. Pretty much just trying to get through each day.

Since my last post I had a birthday. I turned 18 on valentines day. My grandparents were in town for my birthday which was awesome. I got my grandmas clock that just brings back so many memories. Really excited about that. Today in the mail I got gel nail stuff from my auntie! Super excited to try it. Really needed that pick-me-up.

Today seems to be destined to be another day filled with mind numbing pain. I can't think or concentrate at all. All that registers is PAIN. I just want some relief. Sorry I can't write more but the pain is taking over. Bye for now.

Endo and Relationships

Maintaining a relationship with any chronic illness is a challenge. Pretty much impossible if the other party has no interest in the relationship. In which case you really don't need them in your life. If they aren't interested and invested in keeping your relationship strong and growing despite your health then they don't really care about you as a person. If they don't care about you as a person then what's the point of having them in your life?

Just like she says "if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." The true friends and the people that you want to fill your life with are those that are going to be there at your highest high AND your lowest low. They will stick with you no matter what. These people are a blessing. Most only have a few they can really count on. I am very blessed and have many.

Our family 2011

Mom's side 2011

I have a BIG family. Both of my parents come from families with six kids. On mom's side there's 17 grandkids, me being the oldest and the favorite ;). I'm very close to my mom's side of the family especially my mom and her sisters. They were some of my first and truest friends.

Janelle and Micheal

 First there's Aunt Nell. She has been incredibly supportive since my diagnosis. She also understands my pain, although I wish she didn't. She also has endometriosis. Her and I have a special bond because of our common struggle. I also blame her for getting me hooked on ATVs, she's the one who introduced me to them. Unfortunately because of geography we don't get to spend much time together but we talk frequently. I can ask any of my aunts absolutely anything but that is especially true with Janelle.

Lacee and Connor

Lacee and I aren't as close as me and my other aunts but we're still pretty close. I helped take care of her son since he was 6wks old until he was about 6m old and they moved away. She has always been honest with me when I asked questions, even if it wasn't the answer I wanted. She has always treated me as a sister instead of a niece, maybe because we're only like 14yrs apart.

Molly and Jason

My Aunt Molly and I are like sisters. She was the youngest and didn't have anyone to pick on until I came along. Growing up Molly always had a carseat for me in her car as well as anything else I might need. I remember always going to the nail salon or the mall with her. She'd often get asked if I was her's since we look so alike.  We definitely have that sisterly bond. When I stay with her I steal her clothes :)

Mom & Dad on their motorcycle ride- May 2014

 Mom and I had a rocky start and its been kinda bumpy ever since. We are very close. I tell my mom pretty much everything. BUT we're so much alike that we often clash and butt heads. Seriously we are carbon copies of each other. Half the time we get ready to go somewhere and haven't talked or seen each other, yet when we walk out we're dressed pretty much the same and our hair is very similarly done. Mom and mine relationship regarding my endo is complicated. She is my biggest advocate and I believe the reason I was diagnosed in the first place. BUT sometimes she thinks she understands my pain but I don't think she does. She pushes me and I push right back. My endo and her pushing me to get my old life back are the causes of many fights. I know she just want the best for me but its so frustrating to constantly being pushed to do better. I just want to go at my pace in recovery. Yes, sometimes I need that push. Sometimes I get too comfortable in one place. It's a balancing act that we haven't quite perfected yet.

 I am a daddy's girl. Always have been, always will be. When I had my first kiss I told my dad and made him tell mom. His response was just "Bout time!".  My dad is the one who's teaching me how to drive. Brave man ;) What else can I say? I mean he's my dad.

Prom 2014

And then there's my Sam. My health had already gone downhill when we met but I was doing pretty good. I was pretty close to  a normal life. When my health really went to pretty much non existent I was so sure he'd run. What 17yr old boy wants a sick girlfriend? I couldn't go to school, go and do fun things that I used to. Long story short, he stuck around. Me being sick has made us so much closer. We've gone through things that most marriages don't survive. We haven't let my endo stop us from doing the normal high school things. Instead of going to dances we do our own thing at my house. Then if I need to take meds I can and its not a big deal. He now can read my body language and knows when I'm hurting even if I try to hide it. I honestly don't know where I'd be without him.

Now these are some of the "success" stories. Not all of my relationships have made it through the endo storm. I can't count how many friends I've lost because I can't go and do things. It has driven a wedge between my brother and I. He doesn't understand how I can have good days and bad days. He doesn't understand how I can be great one moment and dying the next. Recently my BEST friend decided that she couldn't handle my stuff and her own. That tore me apart. I'm hoping that once her life calms down that I'll get her back in my life. I really miss her.

I don't really know what else to say. Endo has taken so much from me but it has also given more than I ever imagined. I have met so many wonderful people and strengthened many relationships. It's weeded out the friends that weren't real.